Illuminate My Path
by Lucathia Rykatu
Summary: He was everywhere. And nowhere. As if he hadn't left. As if this was just another one of his disappearing acts. But it wasn't. Some Lesus introspection set during the end of V7, beginning of V8.


Illuminate My Path

by Lucathia

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Legend of Sun Knight and make no profit from writing this.

**Summary:** He was everywhere. And nowhere. As if he hadn't left. As if this was just another one of his disappearing acts. But it wasn't. Some Lesus introspection set during the end of V7, beginning of V8.

* * *

><p>When Storm, Metal, Moon, Hell, and Tyler returned from the Kingdom of Kissinger, Sun was not among them. The Hell Knight Platoon happily welcomed their captain and vice-captain back while the Sun Knight Platoon stood rooted to the spot. Adair's face was beyond pale.<p>

I wondered what kind of expression I had.

It should have been a happy occasion. We should have all been happy. The world was no longer in danger of being engulfed by the dark element. The other kingdoms and churches were no longer pressuring us. Our own kingdom could now turn toward rebuilding. The matter of the Demon King had been... taken care of.

But even as I watched the hell knights salute their captain, even as I tried to tell myself that the citizens could finally return to their normal lives, I could not bring myself to feel the least bit happy.

Supposedly, we were now free from the darkness that had taken over all of our lives. The lands of darkness would no longer spread as long as the Demon King kept the dark element in check.

Yet, my path had grown darker than ever. All I could see was darkness closing in on me

There was not a shred of light illuminating my path. The light that had always guided my way and prevented me from falling into the darkness was now lost.

The world had been saved.

But in the process, we had lost Sun.

Was it worth it?

If the world could only be saved by forcing a person to unwillingly take a role he refused, was it worth it? He hadn't wanted to become the Demon King... yet...

I clenched my fists, face hardening as I recalled the last I'd seen of Grisia, of his completely darkened eyes and his uncaring attitude. The golden sparkle in his eyes had disappeared without a trace along with his regard for his position.

To think that Sun would demean Metal, one of his brothers. To think that Sun would demand that we stop calling him Sun, that he would claim that he was not the first generation Sun Knight, that he did not care for the facades we had striven to uphold all these years.

That wasn't Sun.

_Grisia, like you said, we aren't the first generation Twelve Holy Knights. Of course we're not. But you've always told me..._

_You've _always_ told me..._

_Don't you remember?_

* * *

><p>Eventually, I had knelt down to pick up the broken pieces of the conference table. Ice and Stone had both fallen completely silent behind me, as if afraid to speak with me. In silence, I picked up piece after piece after piece of our destroyed normality. My hands no longer held the Divine Judgment Sword, nor did they hold the Divine Sun Sword that had been discarded without a care, just like what he'd done with the rest of his ties. Instead, all I held were tenuous bonds forever fissured.<p>

I held the rough but brittle fragments in my hands, head bowed, side aching.

Eventually, Ice and Stone moved forward and helped me pick up the pieces even though they should not and did not have to pick up after me. Only then did I realize that it wasn't that they were afraid to speak with me.

I looked up.

Ice's face was a far cry from the expressionless one an Ice Knight should have. Stone looked more like a lost boy than the diplomatic Stone Knight.

Like me, they were so overcome with emotion, so completely thrown off center, that there were simply no words that could even be formed.

They stayed by my side in silent support as we painstakingly gathered the remnants together.

* * *

><p>He was everywhere even when he was not.<p>

His seat had nearly always been empty, both in the conference room and at the breakfast table, and this time was no different. It was almost as if he wasn't gone, as if he might walk through the door at any moment with a bright and brilliant smile.

I could not stop myself from thinking that I might catch sight of long, blond hair and sky blue eyes at each corner I turned, that I might be pestered to buy blueberry pies or fetch him sweets from Ice, his request repeated over and over and over until I would finally relent.

While eating, my hand would freeze over desserts before I would recall that even if I took them with me, there would be no one to eat them. Yet I still found myself taking a blueberry muffin.

I would pass by windows along the corridors and wonder if the chirping birds outside were white. I would see him gazing at what he could no longer see, at what he had given up. How I had wanted to shake him then, to wake him up from his nonchalance, from his lack of care for himself, but I had already been too late.

Too late. I was always too late.

Even the mere act of waking up brought forth echoes of his complaints of mornings that were too early, but then I would see gold fading into white and feel the dawning horror once again.

I forced myself to walk on. He _wasn't_ here. The bottles and jars in his room had a thin layer of dust on them. He wasn't here. No one touched a single thing inside, leaving the room exactly as it was. He wasn't here, and that was wrong.

All I did was place the Divine Sun Sword in the room, unable to bear the thought of the divine sword without its owner. As I studied the jars, wondering if they would mix together to produce a pink or a green mask, my attention drifted toward the door, recalling how he often grumbled over always being disturbed whenever he applied his facial masks.

Disturbances, huh?

We were all lost without his disturbances.

There was no longer anyone to disturb Earth from taking clerics back to his room, to toss paperwork at Storm, to bother Ice for super sweet sweets, to make Stone show his stubborn side, to drag Cloud out for small favors.

No one for Leaf to ask for multiple strands of hair, for Moon to commiserate together over girlfriends, for Blaze to worship, for Hell to shadow, for Metal to bad-mouth.

Earth had even stopped bringing clerics to his room. Storm had even asked me for more paperwork. They all worried me, but Leaf worried me the most. Blindness had been a crucial deciding factor in his decision. Nowadays, Leaf could not bring himself to look up. His eyes were always trained on the floor, as if he wished he could not see.

Hell too could not stop remorse from coloring his every action. He would walk by the bathroom and pause, possibly recalling how he had shadowed him everywhere, even to the bathroom.

He _was_ everywhere. And nowhere.

Just as if he hadn't left.

Just as if he was merely pulling off another of his disappearing acts.

Cold water sloshed over my hands. I splashed some water on my face and closed my eyes. Behind me, I'd placed the blueberry muffin. Two stools were by my feet. I'd brought them myself.

Maybe I should have gotten pie. He would have liked that.

Water dripped down my face.

No matter how long I waited, there was no one to disturb me either.

* * *

><p>We did not choose a stand-in for him.<p>

How could we, when his presence was so palpable?

* * *

><p>I did not have his cunning.<p>

I was not him.

No matter how much he claimed that I was just like a tapeworm living in his stomach, I was not him. I did not _know_ exactly what he was thinking, but I had a hunch. I had a hunch that he _wasn't _thinking. Even if my hunch was wrong, I wanted to believe in it.

I wanted to believe that he could count on me.

Did I know what I was doing?

No.

Did I know if he wanted to return?

I wouldn't let myself think otherwise.

I did not have his cunning.

I would have to place myself in his shoes, to test if I truly knew him, to think several steps ahead of him, or else I would fail.

I gazed up at the Symbol of Light in the prayer room, the very symbol I always had my back turned to. Darkness was all around me. I was without guidance, without anyone to tell me what to do. I thought I might be lost with only broken fragments scattered by my feet, but there was only one path forward no matter how dark or difficult this path might be.

Amidst the darkness of the prayer room, pale moonlight from the window illuminated the Symbol of Light.

Even here, I could feel his presence.

_"Even if they are facing the darkness with their backs to the light, holy knights still walk under the light, not the darkness!"_

These words of his had allowed me to carry out my duties all these years.

_Did you know, Grisia, that the same words apply to you?_

Grisia once claimed that it was precisely because I sacrificed my chance to face the light that Leaf Bud City could exist so peacefully. But what was my sacrifice compared to Grisia's?

_Did you know, Grisia, that I wish you could be more selfish?_

_Grisia, even if I fell into the darkness, you would drag me back. In fact, you've done so many, many times already._

Each time he kept me company in the bathroom.

Each time he teased me for sighing.

Each time he made me smile.

Countless times.

_Grisia, did you know I would do the same for you?_

I was not him. I did not have his cunning, his ability to solve problems. I did not have his affability, his ability to bring us together. I did not have his brightness, his ability to charm each and every one of us. I was not him. I could not brighten his path with absolute clarity like the sun, leaving not an inch of doubt, but I would die trying if I must to illuminate his path in whatever way I can. Even just a sliver of light within the darkness, like the moon's rays on a dark, stormy night, even that would be enough.

If he did not remember, if he refused to remember, I will remind him. These are our bonds. This is the path we chose. The pieces might be scattered, but we'll come out stronger for it.

_I'll guide you back. I promise._

* * *

><p>the end<p>

**A/N:** I had the sudden urge to write a oneshot about Lesus dealing with Grisia's absence, so here it is. My collection of Lesus oneshots is growing. (Man, he has you beat, Adair! How is this possible?) The Holy Temple without Sun is much too lonely. (cries)

I wrote a short fic with Kiyutsuna titled "It's Always You." It's a prequel to A Slice of Wedding Cake and is posted on Kiyutsuna's account. Take a look if you're interested~. (I've linked it on my profile page, and you can also find the story in my list of favorite stories) We have some other co-written short fics in the works, so keep an eye out for that. :D


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